Five Sad Headlines (And How to Smile When You See Them)

It got a little football around here all of a sudden, right? Switching gears for a minute, I realized a lot of people get down when they read the news, because of "facts" or whatever. I can see how that would have an impact on people, but I take a different approach to news. Here are five headlines, and how to smile when you see them.

1. Tea Party Slaps Down Boehner's Debt Proposal

I know I have already discussed this previously, but his name is pronounced boner. No one would ever leave the spelling like that and realistically expect anything else. On an Inception go deeper level, this is funny because the Tea Party slaps boners (selective reading here is crucial). Imagine right now, Sarah Palin, staring down a boner that was being unreasonable throughout they're negotiations, to the point that her only response was to slap it.

Bonus Points: They're the tea party. They think it sounds pretty bad, but this is probably more on par with how dangerous they are. 

Image courtesy Wikipedia

2. Super Congress Moves Forward Despite Tea Party Opposition

In a similar vein, now imagine our friend from above standing in front of Congress. He stops them, but is unaware that deep inside is an even deadlier enemy. Mr. Hatter's glass of water shakes, and a giant SUPER CONGRESS comes up beside him, ripping his entire being asunder. Meanwhile, Jeff Goldblum is hiding in a bathroom made of reeds.

I know it requires a little bit of imagination, but the alternative is to just think of a Super Congress in the first place. Up until this point, the phrase has never been used. It's like they were sitting around and finally Obama had to use the secret key to the hidden chest with a strange binder passed to every president. Inside the binder were directions on what to do when shit got real, step one being, "Whatever you do, ridiculous name," because Woodrow Wilson was a huge dick, and he would write that knowing someone else would have to do it.

3. Soldiers Battle Car Dealers Over Allegedly Inflated Prices

This is how soldiers should respond to car dealers who inflate their prices. I mean, it takes huge balls to try and scam a man who had spent a couple of years in the middle of the desert wearing a full combat outfit while people around you constantly try to kill you with guns, mortars, rockets, and homemade explosives, so some credit is due to the car dealers. If they had gotten away with it, I would even say fair is fair, but they were busted, and now these muscled out killing machines are going to have to battle. It only makes sense, they have been trained to kill those who are working against our interests, and exploiting veterans is definitely against American ideals. I just hope that the rest of the world is willing to support us in our attempt to restore Automobile Democracy.

4. Hasselbeck Tears Into Gay Marriage Opponents (note, the actual article has a different title. the one I typed is how HuffPost wanted to headline it on the media portion of their site. also, this is Elizabeth Hasselbeck, Matt's back to work)

 "You don't think we should be able to get married? Does my cock inside of him offend you? Well if that hurts you so bad to see, I will put it away where it won't bother you." Elizabeth inserts into her opponents, one by one, until she is finally satisfied.

"I'll tear into you all right."

5. The Top Ten Hipster Colleges

All of them. If you have ever gone to, been at, or even seen a college, that's everyone. Over 95% of being young is thinking you are the shit because you are. It's science, but you probably never heard of it.

All links found at the Huffington Post. Also shout out to whoever got my comment erased over there. My input on addiction and treatment was pretty awful by comparison to the other 400+ gems of wisdom.